My Cries for Help
by Aaronisme19
Summary: J.D has always had help from one person; Dr. Cox,who has always been there for J.D. But,what will happen if J.D's world comes crumbling down leaving him wounded & depressed. Will Dr. Cox be able to help J.D in time or is to late? Can Dr. Cox even help JD?
1. Chapter 1

DR. Cox POV :

What a day, two patients crashed on me, one died, and newbie didn't even show up so I have to handle his patients too. This really sucks, when I see him tomorrow I just might kill him. I already have a headache and I just want to sleep and I'm only halfway into the workday.

"Dr. Cox?" I snap out of my thoughts to see Carla staring at me, she looks very annoyed. She must of being trying to get my attention for a while. I turned my head in her direction and replied with a calm "Yes?" She clicked her tongue and me and rolled her eyes which was the typical response she liked to give me when I- or anyone - was being stupid.

"I said have you seen bambi anywhere? I can't find him and I got his test results from his patient Mr. Valdez"

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes, hadn't she seen me running around all day doing newbie's job for him? well I guess I do that everyday, but still.

"No I haven't in fact I've been handling all his patients because he decided he wanted to skip work to go on a shopping spree to find a new dress for that girly little figure of his" I said in an angry rush.

She raised her eyebrows and just said "okay?" Then she handed me the chart and walked away.

Great, now I have a new patient to add to the list, just great as if I didn't have enough people to worry about. dam you newbie where are you?

After a few more hours of annoying patients I decided to go outside to relax a little. I was leaning against the wall when I saw an intern come out of the building.

"Hey got a smoke?" I asked, he looked a bit started before answering.

"um...sure", he gave me one, and handed me his Zippo

" Thanks" I replied ... I don't know why I wanted one the last time I had a smoke was when I was about 19….. so long ago yet here I was giving myself cancer and trying to relax.

After having my smoke I walked back inside and was greeted by some intern

" Hi um, I was just wondering how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Wernner."

"What?" Is she serious?, I decided I was too annoyed to make up a rant so I thought I'd use one I already used a while back

" It's regular strength Tylenol, all you do is get her to open her mouth and throw it at her whatever goes in is the corr"— Just then paramedics came bursting in, they had someone on a stretcher but I couldn't see who it was.

" Suicide attempt" said one of them, okay my time to shine I thought I strolled over to the stretcher and was about to take the guy into a room when I glanced down and look at him.

It seemed like my whole world came crashing down..


	2. The how's and why's

Disclaimer: sadly I do not own scrubs but I do own my ideas.. so theres a plus :)

Just wanted to thank all my reviewers, you guys gave me tons of ideas so thanks :) due to hating of the script format I am going to be redoing all the chapters with a format I hope/pray everyone will enjoy. After I am done updating the chapters I promise to put new chapters up so have some patients. :)

P.S thoughts are in Italics :)

DR. Cox POV :

I couldn't move, my mind was screaming at me to move but I couldn't. I just stared at him. He looked so broken, so lifeless, then I realized I couldn't let him die, I just couldn't, I looked over at the paramedics guy and asked: "What happened?"

" We got a call from an anonymous caller that someone tried to kill themselves, he gave us the address and we got him just in time." I felt the beginnings of a migraine as my body filled with dread, " What did he do?" I asked while palming my hand into my forehead.

" There are two cuts on his wrist and we think he might have swallowed a bottle of pills, it also seemed like he was high off of something but we're not sure what, my buddy looked around and we think he might have been doing cocaine but were not sure."

Oh dear God Newbie.. my newbie on drugs no way what happened to him? I thought as I worriedly looked him over. Then my mind flashed back to yesterday

(Flashback)

It was just a normal day at work and everything was fine, I was just about to leave and go home when JD stopped me " Dr. cox?" he asked, I turned glanced at him as I put my doctors coat away in my locker, "Yes Scarlett?" I replied. "Do you ever feel like you... Just want to give up" I froze, I knew nebie was probably looking for some great advice or something, but I was really tired and I just wanted to go home. So, I decided to play dumb, and if that didn't work I was just going to tell him off and leave. "On what?" I asked. JD looked down at the floor "Everything" I sighed before replying with: " Why no Becky because I'm a winner, unlike most of you people here I know I'm worth it and quite frankly I am"

Then I walked away but not before seeing newbie's crestfallen face.

(Flashback end)

I'm such an idiot, I just thought that maybe he was a little sad because his patient crashed earlier, but maybe he was just trying to get some help and I was just a complete jackass to him. In fact, now that I think about it, for awhile he seemed a little sad. I just shrugged it off as a bad day most of the time, but, now that I think about it, he hasn't really been himself for months. How could I be such a dick?

"Okay we got it from here" I said as I grabbed hold of the stretcher and steered him off towards a room, just then Carla came running down the hall towards me.

"What happened" she screamed and put her hand on his face

I sighed then without looking at her and replied "Suicide attempt"

"WHAT? How? No… no there's no way why would he?" she yelled,

"I don't know; call for some help so I can get him off this stretcher and on the bed."

She reached into her scrubs pocket and paged a few nurses including her husband Turk, when he came in, he looked shocked, almost like a deer before it gets hit by a car. I would have laughed but not with newbie laying lifeless on the stretcher like that.

"Okay on the count of three I yelled one...two...three! " on three, some lifted newbie out of the stretcher while others moved the stretcher out of our way; I was the main one holding JD, he seemed so light in my arms, I cradled his neck with my hand while my other hand was holding him from his butt, I then put him on the bed and started working.

Man he was pretty screwed up I thought as we drew some blood to find out what was in his system and then we placed an iv to give him some fluids that was all we could do until the lab results came back. I was just glad the heart monitor said he was still alive because he didn't seem like it. I told everyone to leave except Carla and Ghandi. I sighed again and looked from them to newbie" were.. were there any signs? I asked as I ran a hand through my hair. Carla looked at her bambi before replying: "No, he was always fine. He was a little down but we all thought it was just stress I never... her voice cracked I never thought it was bad like this" "Yeah he always seemed cool" came Gandhi's ingenious reply.

" Did he ever try to talk to one of you" I asked. My voice was beginning to sound sad, I didn't like talking about couple thought for a moment,"yeah whenever it was just me and him he asked if he was worth it, like if he was worth it as a person I usually just shrugged it off and just told him he needed to find a girl and get laid." Gandhi answered. Typical Gandhi but I shouldn't be so cynical I even shrugged it off. " Yeah one time he asked me if I liked who I was I remember he said "do you ever just look at yourself in the mirror and feel lost" I just told him he needed to find someone to love and that he was just lovesick."

So we all left him but there was one person – Barbie

" Hey where's Barbie?" I asked, just not realizing newbie's favorite piece of white bread was not there. " She was off today, oh my god I should call her and tell her what happened!"

" wait baby" he grabbed her arm to stop her then looked at me "how did he do it?"

" The paramedics said he swallowed a bottle of pills along with cuts on his wrists and they said they found a bag of what they believe to be cocaine" "Oh my God" Carla said then she started crying.I felt like crying too I wish they would leave so I could drop the tough guy act."Come on babe lets get you some coffee" he then grabbed her and ushered her out of the seemed like the only one here who was calm. Weird you would think newbie's best friend here would show a little more emotion but nope his said to be mentor sure was.

I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about how I could have stopped all this if I just would have paid attention. Then I felt pathetic for even caring why do I, all I ever call him is annoying why is this so hard for me?

I went over to the door and locked it, then shut the curtains,I didn't want anyone to see me lose it, I can't let them see I'm not as bulletproof as I let on. I grabbed the plastic chair and set it besides the bed then I sat. I guess I didn't realize how tired I was but as soon as my butt made contact with the chair all I wanted to do was shut my eyes.

**"Dammit newbie!, why!" I suddenly yelled. I must of stayed there the whole night with tears streaming my face, I didn't care though all I cared about was JD.**


	3. Comfort

**Disclaimer: sadly I do not own scrubs but I do own my ideas.. so there's a plus :)**

**Just wanted to thank all my reviewers, you guys gave me tones of ideas so thanks :) due to hating of the script format I am going to be redoing all the chapters with a format I hope/pray everyone will enjoy. After I am done updating the chapters I promise to put new chapters up so have some patients. :)**

**P.S thoughts are in Italics :)**

**DR. Cox POV :**

" Wha**" **I gasped hoping last night was a dream but then I looked and saw newbie laying there on the bed.

" Are you okay? "

**" **Yeah yeah I'm fine**" **I said then groaned man that chair is hard,_my boody felt so stiff, how long was I out_? I closed my eyes again then looked at her.

**"** how did you get in**?"**

"I got the janitor to open the door for me, hey you should go home and wash up it's your day off"

"No I'm not leaving" I said not quite sure why

" Okay, but you should go wash your face because I don't think you want people to see that you've been crying"

I cringed as she said it and was about to give a really dumb reply about it being just allergies when she said

" Its okay I won't tell anybody but you should go and wash up now before anyone sees" she said and started rubbing my shoulder

" Thank you Carla" I muttered I got up to leave but then I looked at Carla she seemed so sad so I warped my arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug. She sighed and put her arms around me and placed her head on my chest I put my head on hers and rubbed her back.

We stayed like that for a while I wanted to stay like that forever but I had to wash up _so_ I kissed her head and told herto" take care of him while I'm gone**" **

_she nodded and took my place by his side._

_**Hope you guys liked the 2nd chappy sorry kinda short. next one up soon :) please rate.**_


	4. Barbie and Me

**Disclaimer: sadly I do not own scrubs but I do own my ideas.. so there's a plus :)**

**Just wanted to thank all my reviewers, you guys gave me tones of ideas so thanks :) due to hating of the script format I am going to be redoing all the chapters with a format I hope/pray everyone will enjoy. After I am done updating the chapters I promise to put new chapters up so have some patients. :)**

**P.S thoughts are in Italics :)**

**DR. Cox POV :**

_It must be early because there wasn't many people in the hospital. _ I went to the nearest bathroom and washed my face I shot a glance at the mirror, _ God I looked like shit, well that's what I get for crying like a little girl over silly things. Newbie will make it I know he will._

Before going back to the room I checked on some of my patients making sure they were okay thenI walked back over to JD's room. When I walked in I saw_ Barbie by his side she was holding his hands with tears streaming down her face._

When I walked in she asked

"how?"

I sighed again for what seemed like the thousand time.

_" _there's 2 cuts on his wrist, he also downed a whole bottle of pills and he might have been using cocaine."

She just looked at me like I was stupid then she started crying again.I handed her a box of tissues then grabbed another chair and pulled it up next to her. She grabbed my hand which was very surprising since she's never done that before.

Her hands felt cold so I said "here" and she gave me her other hand.

We stayed like that for a while, me trying to get her hands warm her trying to hold her tears in then I asked her.

" Are you okay?" I asked

" No I feel like it was my fault you know maybe he started feeling like this after we broke up**."**

A few tears escaped her eyes and before I thought about it I wiped her tears away with my hand and pulled her close to me I then started to comfort her by telling her" everything would "

**"**why are you being so nice to me?"

" Why not?" was all I could say. _I Actually couldn't think of why I was doing what I was doing I just was._

"Well you've never been nice to me before"

** "**I'm sorry was all I said It's just I don't like showing emotion."

"Well your sure showing allot of it now" I looked at her and she looked up at me and we busted up laughing we didn't stop until are stomachs hurt.

We stayed like that for a while just _holding each other _when I asked

" do you want some coffee?"

" Sure" she said breaking our embrace. _I couldn't explain why but I felt like something was missing after she did that….. Weird_

I walked down to the coffee place that was connected to the hospital and ordered two coffees and headed back into JD's room_._

After staying there for a while talking with Barbie her stomach started to growl she let out a small laugh.

"I've been here since last night" she said with a smile.

" Ooh I said I'm sorry I locked you out didn't I?"

" It's fine I think you needed your alone time with him more then me she said anyway I'm going to get something to eat want to come?"

"No I think I'll stay here"

" I knew you were gona say that she said you care about him don't you?"

" Yes I do" I said not caring if she knew "but I don't think I'll ever tell him" I said a hint of a smile on my lips

She came and gave me another hug then a kiss on the cheek

"What was that for?" with a smile on my face

**" **For showing me you really care" she said then she walked out of the room.

As soon as she was gone I walked and shut the door then closed the curtainsit was time to change Newbie's dressing (Bandage).

I walked over to the cabinet pulled out some white gauze and medical tape then walked over to newbie.

" Let's see what we got over here Samantha" even in a situation like this I couldn't help but call him a girls name hopefully that would get him to wake up haha.

I took off the other bandage to look at the damage

"wow you really knew how to go didn't yah newbie"

_ He went pretty deep it's amazing he didn't die before we gave him the blood transplant_ **(sorry ppl 4got about this in the 2nd chapter oops)** after inspecting the wounds more I put on the new dressings and sat back down just then there was a knock on the door It was Carla with Turk and Barbie following behind.

" I got the Test results" she said in a nervous tone_._

_**Hope you liked the chapter stay tuned for the next one lol**_


	5. Test results

**Disclaimer: sadly I do not own scrubs but I do own my ideas.. so there's a plus :)**

**Just wanted to thank all my reviewers, you guys gave me tones of ideas so thanks :) due to hating of the script format I am going to be redoing all the chapters with a format I hope/pray everyone will enjoy. After I am done updating the chapters I promise to put new chapters up so have some patients. :)**

**P.S thoughts are in Italics :)**

**DR. Cox POV :**

A few minuets ago Carla and the whole gang came into the room with Newbie's Test results, needless to say I was very nervous.

Well hand them over I said a little angry

She walked over to me and handed me the folder after reading it a few billion times I announced what we all knew.

Cocaine positive I said my voice cracking a little

Barbie and Carla started to cry again and ghandi looked like he was trying very hard not to.. _well good it's about time he started showing some emotion_! even though I was a little angry I continued reading

"As for the pills its was a mixture of proza, xanax, and Tylenol" I said through wet eyes but just as I was about to lose it the sound I've been dreading for so long finally came. He flat lined.

"Get a crash cart" someone went off to get it I couldn't tell you who. I was too absorbed in trying to get him back and breathing.

Two hours later – or what seemed like it. I heard the most wonderful thing in the world, his heart beat, I staggered back agents the wall and a smile lit up my face, he was alive or at least for now.

After all the commotion everyone decided to go home.

Perry? Carla said placing her hand on my shoulder

Yeah I said, my eyes never leaving JD

"Me and Turk are going home you should Leave and get some sleep"

Didn't you guys go yesterday? I asked not really caring for an answer

"No we stayed in the on call room all night we were both to shaken to go home"

I'll be here I said

Okay she said and kissed my cheek I hugged her again.

And then she was gone and I was here all alone like an idiot watching JD. After his crash he slipped into a coma, we weren't sure he was going to get out of. Yet here I was sitting on this awful plastic chair wishing he'd get out. So I decided to talk..

"How ya doing JD?"

No answer.

Well you look like shit I mused, your hairs gone all flat I laughed a shaky laugh.

I was trying to talk to him like if he was up and well but I just couldn't instead I busted out saying:

"Oh God why did you do it, did I push you to far is that it did I say the wrong thing did… did I make you do this?"

The question first entered my mind when I had the flashback but I've never been able to fully think about it until now

" Did I do this to you?" I stared at him willing him to answer. After awhile he didn't and I became angry, I needed to break something and I needed to break it fast.

I picked up the only thing I could without hurting JD and went to town on that chair... First I threw it agents the wall then with all my strengt,h I bended the legs off then I started kicking it and bashing it in the wall all the while crying my eyes out. I was so into murdering this chair I didn't even realize Barbie came in. When I finally calmed down I stared at her.

" How much did you see?"

" Enough to know you need to talk and that you look oddly sexy while beating up a chair but I also would be to scared of you to have sex wit you in fear of your crazy eyes" she babeled

" Fair enough"

" I brought you a sandwich and some coffee I figured you needed it"

" You figured right"

I walked over to Barbie and took the coffee out of her hands and literally gulped it down then I took the sandwich and ate like I've never ate before.

When I was done I looked at her and said

" he crashed"

" I know " she stamerd with new tears threatening to fall

Just then I yawned

" Why don't you come with me to the on-call room you look tired." When I was about to refuse she said " he's in a coma there's nothing we can do right now, he wouldn't want you to do this to yourself you deserve some sleep.

**"** Okay **" **I muttered and walked with her to the on-call room

There was no one else in there so we went on separate bunks but then as I tried to sleep I heard her crying so I said

" You still up?"

" Yeah "

"Come here"

she hesitated for a little bit then she walked over to my bunk

**" **What?"

I opened my arms for her and she came in

" I thought you needed some help through the night "

She laid into my chest

"Thank you Dr. Cox "

"Call me Perry "

"Okay Perry thank you"

we held on to each other all through the night. We talked a little bit about how it was are faults then comforted each other on how it was not. It felt good to have someone to hold me through the night.

**Okay so looks like were getting a little cox and elliott love hahah, not sure if I'll keep that going because I love him and jorden together but we'll see :)**


	6. The Letter

**Disclaimer: sadly I do not own scrubs but I do own my ideas.. so there's a plus :)**

**Just wanted to thank all my reviewers, you guys gave me tones of ideas so thanks :) due to hating of the script format I am going to be redoing all the chapters with a format I hope/pray everyone will enjoy. After I am done updating the chapters I promise to put new chapters up so have some patients. :)**

**P.S thoughts are in Italics :)**

**DR. Cox POV :**

I woke up to Carla looking down at me and Elliott smiling

What you doing she said in a singsong voice

Nothing I snapped and gently tore Barbie off me man she's a hard sleeper

** "**That doesn't look like nothing "

"You're crazy"

"Whatever but he-" just then Turk came running through the door with a stack of papers in his hand

Baby you gotta look at these he said giving one to Carla

Then he turned and handed me a paper I looked at it, it said

Dear : Dr. Cox

I just wanted to thank you for all you've done for me if it weren't for you I would of never made it as an intern. If your reading this then this means I have succeeded in my suicide and you are at my funeral. I am sorry I put you though this but that's not like it would matter since you never cared about me anyways, The reason I took my life was because I am nothing I'm not a good doctor everyone hates me excpesally you, I just couldn't take it anymore of it. I can't take that no one Loves me or cares for me I can't take how I'm not a very good doctor. I hate my life. I just want to say it's not your fault you couldn't have helped me even if you wanted to I was just a screw-up and a waste of life that was just tying you down. Well now I set you free…

Forever yours

JD (inset girls name)

**Sorry this ones so short but this chapter is just a set up or whatever you call it for the next one. Please rate and review :)**


	7. I Love ya

**Disclaimer: sadly I do not own scrubs but I do own my ideas.. so there's a plus :)**

**Just wanted to thank all my reviewers, you guys gave me tones of ideas so thanks :) due to hating of the script format I am going to be redoing all the chapters with a format I hope/pray everyone will enjoy. After I am done updating the chapters I promise to put new chapters up so have some patients. :)**

**P.S thoughts are in Italics :)**

**DR. Cox POV :**

I couldn't believe it I was in shock how can he believe that. Anger boiled in threw my very core and_ I_ stalked out of the room and over by Jd when I got there I walked over by him with my hand on the headrest by his bed and looked him straight in the eye even though his eyes were closed.

" Now you listen here you little bugger I said you are a dam good doctor and an exceptional human being. I've never meet anyone who's cared about there patients as much as I did. And as for love well hell I love ya newbie even though I would never admit it to your face and do you know who else loves you? Carla does, so does Barbie and what about your chocolate bear he loves you more then any of us put together."

By that time all of them were by the door hearing me talk they probly heard the whole thing but I didn't care.

I grabbed him by the shoulder "You gotta wake up so we can continue to love you because without you this hospital is way more manly then it should be I spat I need you I said because without you I'm nothing but a cynical man without someone to lean on and keep my head straight**."** After that I felt tired again and leaned on my arm as I watched over newbie and as if on cue his eyes opened.

He moaned and then he looked around

JD? I said my eyes getting watery , _why are they getting watery im such a pansy..._

"Yeah"** ,** his voice sounded hard and rough

I couldn't take it anymore I wanted to hug him so bad but then my ego and pride came back and all I could do was put a reasuring hand on his shoulder while trying to smile. I think he saw that I was trying.

" Thank you" he smiled at me

"Do you want some water?"

" yeah"

I went off and got it while the whole gang flooded in all crying from joy.

**Hope you liked it if you did please rate and review thanks :)**


	8. My confession

**Disclaimer: sadly I do not own scrubs but I do own my ideas.. so there's a plus :)**

**Just wanted to thank all my reviewers, you guys gave me tones of ideas so thanks :) due to hating of the script format I am going to be redoing all the chapters with a format I hope/pray everyone will enjoy. After I am done updating the chapters I promise to put new chapters up so have some patients. :)**

**P.S thoughts are in Italics :)**

**DR. Cox POV :**

After everyone quieted down and said goodbye and went off with there shifts I brought in the water and grabbed a chair and sat next to him. I handed him the water and noticed him wince as he tried to grab it.

" Wrist hurting?"

Yeah he stammered

Well thats what you get for trying to kill yourself I sort of yelled

He just looked down, I hope I didint hurt him, the last thing he needs is to feel bad about himself.

**_"_ **Sorry "

what are you doing here? what about your patients He asked, I could see that he looked hurt that I was probly leaving to.

**" **Barbie's taking care of em**"**

**"**That's good** "**he smiled _that was good I got a smile out of him.. good_.

I realized it was time for the heard part

I looked down at my hands "So why'd you do it?"

He looked away from me a tear coming down his eye

I didn't want to make him upset so I grabbed his hand

" Look you don't need to tell me if you don't want to, I just wish you would"

He looked at me then at our hands_ I hope he didn't think I was gay cuz I wasn't! But like I said I didn't want to upset him so I didn't say anything_

_He _gulped "I just feel so lost, I don't know who I am anymore and on top of that I lost my confidence as a doctor."

I let out a sigh _I didn't know what to say so I thought I'd tell him something about me that no one knew_

** "**You know I tried to commit suicide once?"

He looked at me in shock

" What?"

Yeah I said, I was 16 maybe 17 I just couldn't handle life anymore I smiled

** "**Why?"

"My father was abusive liked to beat me allot on top of that my mother became a drunk and always called me things like a worthless piece of shit you know things like that. So one day I decided enough was enough"

** "**What did you do? "I noticed he couldint look at me

"I tried to drown myself**"**I smiled up at him then started making circles with my thumb on his hand

"I remember finding this very heavy rusty old chain, I found a bridge then i wrapped the chain around myself then jumped into the water."

"What happened?" his eyes were filled with shock much like a dear I almost laughed

" I was out cold as soon as I hit the water the doctors said I was dead for 7 minuets. But before I could sink all the ways in a man jumped in after me, pulled me to safety, and took me to a hospital."

"So then what happened?"

"Well nothing really I got better and left the hospital, my father stared beating me more and my mother continued with her insults but this time I didn't care because I knew I could do better. so I worked hard and eventually fulfilled my dream of becoming a doctor."

"Wow I never.. I never knew..."

"Yeah I guess now you know why I'm the man I am today haha"

Jd yawnd and sayed aha

"Hey you should get some rest"

" Dr. Cox? he said, he looked so scared

Dont worry I'll be here when you wake up I smiled at him

**"** Thanks" he said then he driffted off to sleep

wellcome I said and feel asleep myself

**Hope you enjoyed please rate and review :) desided to change it a little bit :)**


	9. My Sad Goodbye

**Disclaimer: sadly I do not own scrubs but I do own my ideas.. so there's a plus :)**

**Just wanted to thank all my reviewers, you guys gave me tones of ideas so thanks :) due to hating of the script format I am going to be redoing all the chapters with a format I hope/pray everyone will enjoy. After I am done updating the chapters I promise to put new chapters up so have some patients. :)**

**P.S thoughts are in Italics :)**

**JD POV :**

Life sucks. This is it I thought, the last day of my life.

For the past month or so I've been trying to shake this crazy idea in my head so I've been talking to my friends but when ever I tried to they never really cared, so here I was ready to die. My last attempt at life was yesterday it was a long day and after I decided that the one guy I could count on would help me though this, but all he did was be all grumpy and mean.

I looked at my clock that said 11:30 so Carla and Turk were defiantly out of the house. But just to be_ sure _I tiptoed out of my room to see if anyone was there.. yep everyone was gone well except rowdy but he's really dead so it didn't matter.

Then I went into the bathroom and looked around for in the medicine cabinet and then I found them, they were the pills Carla used to take for post pardon depression. I quickly snatched those and a bottle of xanax and headed for my room. When I got to my room I dug around in my drawer till I found some Tylenol, _okay the easy part was done but now the hard part._

I quickly opened up the pills in a zip lock bag then emptied them out in this giant pill bottle I had for when I got my appendix out. I looked at the clock that read 12:58 and nearly scream I needed to meet my dealer and I needed to meet him now._ After throwing on some clothes I headed out the door._

Now I know what your thinking you have a dealer? The answer is yes yea I do.

I started doing coke when my life started to get pretty crappy, a few months back I remember I was at the bar having my usual appletinni when some girl came up to me

are you okay? she asked

" no "

" follow me" then she got up and walked out of the bar

when we got out side she gave me a bag of white powder and a card with a number on it

"If you want more call that number "

OK was all I could say. _Did she just give me drugs? and did I just take them?_

I was going to throw out the bag as soon as I got home but later that night I walked in to hear Carla and Turk arguing about who's going to have to take care of me. _I guess they heard about me and Elliott braking up _I thought , then got out of there and sat in the ally.

I opened up the bag then put some on my finger and sniffed.

Wowowow that felt amazing I thought by the time I was done the bag was half empty and I was flying high I then walked back into the apartment and staggered into bed. I did it for months on end each time doing a little more. I did it for 2 reasons

1. I was soo depressed I just wanted to get high

2. I wanted someone to notice so they could help me.

No one noticed so here I am buying more and giving my money to the man. I mean you would think they would right? wouldn't they be like Jd why haven't you shaved in a while, Jd whats up with your eyes? you know stuff like that but no no one noticed

pleasure doing business with ya_ he said with a smirk_

Same here I shrugged and headed home.

I get back home at around 1:20 and get ready for what I have to do. I'm glad I started these a week ago because if I didn't my hand would be sore. I grumbled as I picked up the stack of papers off the floor there were only 3 left. They were my goodbye letters and I saved the best for last.

I was going to save Elliott's but she was the fist one I did. I started Carla's carefully explained to her to watch Turk and make sure he was okay then I told her I would miss her and that she was the best nurse in the world.

Then I went on to chocolate bears I told him that I love him to death and that I would miss him and to meet me on the coloud with the milkshake fountain with the lesbians.

Then I moved on the hardest one, he was my mentor and I loved him like a father figure, so of cores being the girl he knew I was I cried when I wrote his letter.

I just told him I was sorry for being a let down and how I set him free stuff like that.

In all the letters I said it wasn't there faults although really it was. They never helped me when I needed them and it is because of them. But there was no way I was gona tell them that I couldn't hurt them anymore then I hoped I would by my death. I put them In a black box with a blue ribbon on it and it the tag I wrote: read at my funeral with a smiley face.

I looked at the clock again it was 1:54, I knew it was time to do this.

I said a prayer to God asking him to forgive me then I sat by my bed and got ready.

First I snorted all the cocaine I could handle because there was no way I could do this sober then I started with the pills it was hard at first but eventually I get the hang of it. When they were all gone and inside me I grabbed the razor I had hidden in under my bed and sliced both my wrists. After that I passed out…

**Hope you enjoyed this its kinda sad :( anyway Im making my self stop posting more for today because this is only my first day with the story and I already but up like 8 or 9 chapters ( crazy!) anyways read, rate, review **

**I'll have more up soon maybe tomorrow :)**


	10. Is this Heaven?

**Disclaimer: sadly I do not own scrubs but I do own my ideas.. so there's a plus :)**

**Just wanted to thank all my reviewers, you guys gave me tones of ideas so thanks :) due to hating of the script format I am going to be redoing all the chapters with a format I hope/pray everyone will enjoy. After I am done updating the chapters I promise to put new chapters up so have some patients. :)**

**P.S thoughts are in Italics :)**

**JD POV :**

** POV:**

" Whoa were am I? "

I look around and see that I am sitting on a brown park bench, everything around me is white and I look down to see I'm dressed in white. It's silk I notice as I touch it. I felt like I was on a cloud and then I remembered.

Hey where's the Lesbians I yell

" Umm sorry Jd but no lesbians for you"

" Am I dead?"

" No not yet"

" What is this place?"

" It's the transition room as we like to call it, you see since you killed your self you died earlier than your time so you are not dead but not alive either"

" weird.."

" Yeah I guess you can say that anyway I'm Matt, nice to meet you"

Yeah is all I can say as I shake his hand.

"It feels soo soft like a babies bottom "_stop that he'll probably think your weird let go of his hand let go!_

I started Rubbing his hand on my cheek, _no no you idiot let his hand go!_

are you okay? Matt said as he was trying to pull his hand away

so soft.. Huh what yeah sorry I said as I drooped his hand

" you're kind of weird"

"yeah I know"

" Okay so your probably gona want to follow me"

Matt walks over to a door and waits for me to come by him

Before going I look at the man to make sure he's not weird, he seems to be in mid 30's or 40's im not sure, he's got long black hair that's down to his shoulders with some gray in it. He's very tall or at least taller than me anyway, He's also wearing a silver silk pajama thing.

I shrug and head over by him.

As we step through the door I see that were at sacred heart, getting nervous I try to cover myself.

"they cant see you Jd"

" oooh okay"

Just then I see Dr. Cox pushing a stretcher down the hall with Carla by his side, they look really worried so I go and try to see what's going on.

As soon as I walk into the door I see Dr. Coxholding on to someone then he sets him gently down on the hospital bed. I can't see the face because all the nurses are in the way and turk keeps on blocking my view. Wait.

"Turk? why is he here?"

Look who's on the bed Matt said as he points to the body

And then I see him... I mean me.. its me on the bed and man do I look bad, I guess someone found out and saved me.

I glide over to the bed watching as Dr. Cox works on me. _Wow he looks so determined and is … is he sad?_

" How did they find me?"

"I called them"

" Why?"

"Because it's not your "

" but I'm done with life"

"why do you say that?"

" No one cares if I die believe me they didn't care to help me when I was alive anyways"

" It doesn't look like that to me"

"well to me it does"

" Okay I'm going, I'll be back later when you realize something useful"

"wait were are you going don't leave me"

" I'll be back in a little bit; if I were you I'd stay in this room"

Then he left and now I was stuck here at sacred heart ugh.

I watched myself the whole time not sure were to go and what was going to happen to me. After a while I saw some of the nurses backing away and then they left the room leaving Cox, Turk, and Carla In the room alone.

Dr. Cox looked bad like he was gona break down any minuet, but knowing him I knew it was just an act Just to make Carla think he cared.

He let out a big sigh then asked

" were... Were there any signs?"

After that Carla and Turk both told Dr. Cox of the things I used to talk to them about in private, I was a little irritated…

Then Cox brought up Elliott I knew someone was missing, she's probly glad I did this to myself..

"She was off today omg I should call her and tell her what happened!"

After talking about how I killed myself Turk and Carla left, I decided to stay in the room waiting for him to drop the sad act like I knew he would.

there gone now you can stop pretending like you care! I yelled

I screamed at him but he didn't seem to hear me, he gave a slight shiver then went over to the door, locked it and shut the curtains.

Then my mentor, the guy who was a total bad ass and has no emotions what so ever... broke down. He cried he eyes out like he was a little baby.

He was sitting on a chair next to me and he had his head in his hands

" Dammit newbie why!"

He cryed for a few more hours before falling asleep

So still think no one cares? Matt asked making me jump

yeah I said although part of me believed him

"Follow me"

Matt took me over to the on call room I gave him puzzled look

"Just get in"

I walked in to see Turk holding Carla while she cried in his chest then I looked at C-bear and saw that he was also crying.

"What about now?"

" Doisnt prove anything"

"Okay whatever you say but im going to bed, you can sleep here tonight and I'll meet you back here in the morning"

"we can sleep?"

" Your not dead remember?"

"Ooh yeah"

Then I hoped on the nearest bunk, shut my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

**Hope you liked this chapter, I tried to keep in character with Jd but make him depressed at the same time so hope you liked it :)**


	11. Watching

**Disclaimer: sadly I do not own scrubs but I do own my ideas.. so there's a plus :)**

**Just wanted to thank all my reviewers, you guys gave me tones of ideas so thanks :) due to hating of the script format I am going to be redoing all the chapters with a format I hope/pray everyone will enjoy. After I am done updating the chapters I promise to put new chapters up so have some patients. :)**

**P.S thoughts are in Italics :)**

**JD POV :**

" Hey wake up Jd!"

"huh what.. Oh hey Matt"

"So you ready to go back to your body?"

"No way I don't want to go back I hate it there"

"Man do you know what your saying? If I could go back when I made this choice to be dead I would of never of done it."

"What did you do.. you know to get here?"

" Slit my wrist, I could of made it though but I was to stubborn so now I have to live out my years here in a sort of purgatory thingy until I reach the age that I was sopost to die at."

"whoa that's harsh, how long are you stuck here"

"Well that's the thing I have no idea I've already been here for about 50 yrs but I don't know…"

"whoa that's kinda cool, so you see I'll stay here and keep you company"

"no you will not, your going back in that room were your body is and your gona stay there till something good happens"

**"** Okay okay jeesh"

I took off walking over to my room, when I walk in I see Dr. Cox and Carla hugging,

okay how is this good, they look like they want to have sex right in front of me I yell hoping Matt will hear

I notice that Dr. Cox looks like hell;_well good that's what you get when you mess with the j-dawg._

" Man I miss Turk"

After Dr. Cox left and Carla Elliott came in

" what's she doing here?"

She came and sat down In the chair that was right by me

" So I guess its true huh? You really did it, you really killed yourself"

"You bet I did"

"I'm sorry, I know it was all my fault. We should of never broke up it was just... I got scared you know. I thought I was gona get hurt again and I didn't want to have to deal with that kind of pain again. I should be the one on this hospital bed. not you."

_Wow shes crying_ _I guess I should go comfort her_, _although Im not sure why I mean im over her but still – ugh shut up brain. T_hen Dr. Cox came in

They both looked at each other then he handed her a box of tissues and sat next to her, then -and this was so crazy – she put her hand in his oh my GOD!

I feel like it was my fault she said and she started crying again.

Then Dr. Cox did something I never expected, hewiped the tears from her face with his hand then he pulled her close to him.

I was in shock.

After that DR. Cox and Elliot talked and then he left to get coffee then a little while later she left to go eat, before she left she kissed him on the cheek, I don't know why but I felt jealous.

Why won't you leave? I asked although I knew he couldn't hear me

"Let's see what we got here Samantha"

There's the Cox I knew I smiled though I'm not sure why

Then his face got all worried

" wow you really knew how to go didn't yah newbie"

I looked at my wrist as he was bandaging them up, _wow I guess I did a good job, Im surprised I'm not dead by now._

I was about to walk out of the room when Carla, C-bear, and Elliott came bursting in

I got the test results Carla said, then the whole room when quite.


	12. Dying

**Disclaimer: sadly I do not own scrubs but I do own my ideas.. so there's a plus :)**

**Just wanted to thank all my reviewers, you guys gave me tones of ideas so thanks :) due to hating of the script format I am going to be redoing all the chapters with a format I hope/pray everyone will enjoy. After I am done updating the chapters I promise to put new chapters up so have some patients. :)**

**P.S thoughts are in Italics :)**

**JD POV :**

I stood in the room as Carla handed Dr. Cox the folder. As He opened it and then his face fell

" Cocaine Positive" I noticed his voice crack on that last word

Carla and Elliott immediately started to cry, I also noticed C-Bear was trying not to

" He never liked to cry" I smiled

" As for pills it was a mixture of Proza, Xanax, and Tylenol"

_Wow even Dr. Cox looked like he might cry_

I walked over to Perry and put my hand on his face, he shivered under my touch

Just then I hear someone flat lining then Dr. Cox yells "Get a crash cart" as he rips open my shirt

What's going on? I ask Matt who suddleny apprears

" your dieing "his voice sounded painful, I looked at him and saw a tear escape his eye

"what? how you said I wasn't dead?"

"You weren't, your running out of time. Pretty soon you will be stuck here like me"

"how long do I have?", I turned back to watch Perry work not knowing if I was rooting for him to save me or not.

** "**A day"

"Why n-"

I turned around and saw that Matt had disappeared

After what seemed like forever I finally started to come around, Dr. Cox looked so happy when he saw my heart monitor beeping.

He leaned agents the wall for support, I guess saving me took allot out of him. After everyone left it was just me and Perry standing next to each other looking at my body. He was doing that stance he always does when he's tence, the one were he has both hands behind his head.

"Perry?"

Yeah

"Me and Turk are going home, you should leave and get some sleep"

"didn't you guys go yesterday?"

"No we were in the on call room; we were to shaken to go home"

"I'll be here"

what… your not gona leave me? i pracatly yelled, I wish they could hear me.

Carla kissed his cheek and they hugged then she left

Dr. Cox then came and sat down by me, I went to sit on my bed looking from him to my body.

"How ya doing Jd?"

"What no girls names?"

" well you look like shit, your hairs gona all flat"

Its funny how he can be both helpful and mean at the same time. I smiled again and just stood there watching Perry try to wake me up, after trying to talk some more I guess he got sad because he started yelling at me. I cringed even though I know he couldint see me.

"Oh God why did you do it, did I push you to far is that it did I say the wrong thing did…. Did I make you do this?"

_wow he's really hurting_, "It wasn't all your fault you know, its not your fault you couldn't deal with a girl like me"

"Did I do this to you?"

No I did... I did this to me"I said then I started crying I couldn't help it

Then Dr. Cox got angry and decided to murder the chair.

Half way into it Elliott walked in, she stayed in the doorway though proly didn't want to get hurt, when Perry was finally done, he wiped his face from the tears and walked over to Elliott.

" Are you sure they don't care now?"

turned around to face Matt, I deserve to die I said, my eyes threatening to spill more tears.

" how can you say that?"

"I'm nothing but a let down to them, I don't deserve them, I don't deserve a 2nd chance"

My voice cracked on that last part and It was taking all I had to not curl up In the fetal position and cry like a little girl.

" Yes you do"

"No.. You do, take my body go ahead and live your life"

" that's not for me, I made my decisions and I'm going to stick by the choices I've made You on the other hand.. you need to get out of here and enjoy your life"

"I don't know what to do"

"Well you got a few hours so you better think good"

He disappeared.

I turned around and Perry and Elliott were no were to be found so I ended up walking around the building.

When I got tired I went back to my room and fell asleep on the floor.

**This was an okay chapter I guess, anyway im almost done with the re-formatting of the chapters, I just got one left yay! so I'll probly put a new one up in a few hours. Ooh and I went camping over the weekend and I got this amazing idea for a fanfic so be sure to check it out. **


	13. My Awakening

**Disclaimer: sadly I do not own scrubs but I do own my ideas.. so there's a plus :)**

**Just wanted to thank all my reviewers, you guys gave me tones of ideas so thanks :) due to hating of the script format I am going to be redoing all the chapters with a format I hope/pray everyone will enjoy. After I am done updating the chapters I promise to put new chapters up so have some patients. :)**

**P.S thoughts are in Italics :)**

**JD POV :**

When I finally woke up I decided to go and find out what happened with Dr. Cox, I walked into the on-call room to see him reading something. I walked closer to him to see what it was, it was my goodbye letters. After Perry read his he seemed to get all angry, next thing I know he stalked out of the room and down the hall, I didn't wait to see Carla or Turks reactions, I ran after Cox at full speed. When I finally caught up with him he went straight to my room over to me and said

"Now you listen here you little bugger, you are a dam good doctor and an exceptional human being. I've never meet anyone who's cared about there patients as much as I did. And as for love well hell I love ya newbie even though I would never admit it to your face and do you know who else loves you? Carla does, so does Barbie and what about your chocolate bear he loves you more then any of us put together."

" you love me?, You guys all love me?"

I was shocked as I looked around the room I saw that the whole group had come over to my room, I saw that they were all crying and realized that they do love me. I wanted to call Matt but Dr. Cox was still going and I didn't want to miss it

' You gotta wake up so we can continue to love you because without you this hospital is way more manly then it should be I spat I need you I said because without you I'm nothing but a cynical man without someone to lean on and keep my head straight."

Matt! I yelled hoping he would hear

"Are you ready?"

" Yes "

"okay close your eyes"

"I closed my eyes but Matt what about you "

" I'll see ya later buddy"

Next thing I know there's this big hot flash of white that flashes in my face, then everything goes dark.

_I hear beeping but what is it? I guess I should wake up and see_

"ahhha" _man that was a deep sleep ugh_

" Jd?"

"Yeah?"

It was Dr. Cox, he grabbed my shoulder and tried to do a smile, I knew what he meant so I smiled back

" Thank you" although I wasn't sure why I was saying that

" Want some water?"

" Yeah "

He walked off to get me the water and like a stampeded all my amazing friends came and greeted me. The most surprising greeting to everyone but me was Turks.

He hugged me real hard all the while saying_, _"don't you ever do that to me again do you hear me? If you even try to I will kill you myself"

_After we all celebrated for a while Dr. Cox came back with my water_

**srry guys its 5:38 here and i need to try to go to sleep, I havent slept in 3 days so I'm hoping I can go to sleep now wish me luck :)**

**next chapter will be up tomarro promise :)**


	14. His confession

**Disclaimer: I do not in anyway own Scrubs, it belongs to the brilligant mind of Bill lawrance and all the amazing actors in the show **

**Info: Yay I finished reformatting this Fanfic so all the chapters coming up are new so I hope you enjoy. As a warning I just want to let you guys know that the next 2 chapters will be more like a filler until I get the story were I want it to be before something big happens. Remember I warned you, by the by be sure to check out my latest Scrubs Fanfic titled "My Family Reunion" I promise it's very good so go check it out. Anyway I know I'm talking way to much on here right now but I just wanted to say please enjoy and if you have any ideas just message me and I'll try to incorporate it into my original idea regarding this sorry. Thanks **

**- JustAGirl019**

"Okay man I got to go prep for surgery so I'll catch ya later" Turk said and after giving me another hug.

"By Cbear"

"Okay Bambi I got to go back to work but you call me if you need anything, alright"

"Carla relax, I'll be fine"

"Okay bye Bambi" she gave me a kiss on the cheek and I couldn't help but think of the time when we shared that drunkin kiss.

"Jd"

"Yeah Elliott"

"We should talk"

"Okay about wh-"

"Not now, I have to go back to work, but when you get out of here, maybe we can talk"

"Okay"

"Bye Jd"

"Bye"

I sat there for a while just thinking about how I was wrong to do what I did and how I should of just talked things over with my friends. I felt like such an idiot. But before I could evaluate my feelings more Dr. Cox came in, grabbed a chair and sat next to me.

He handed me my cup of water and I took it_. _

_Oh My God!_

my wrist's both felt like they were on fire. I probably opened up the wounds.

"Wrist Hurting?"

"Yeah"

"Well that's what you get for trying to kill yourself"

When he said that I felt even more like an idiot, dammit don't cry, don't cry, I looked down so he wouldn't see my struggle with the tears.

"Sorry"

_Oh no he's going to leave me here, quick distract him_

"What are you doing here? What about your patients"

_no you idiot now he'll think you want him to leave, show him the hurt on your face._

"Barbie's taken care of em"

"That's Good_" yay Perry's staying_ I smiled.

"so why'd you do it?"

_ugh I knew he was gona bring this up,_ I started to think about how depressed I've been lately and a tear rolled down my eye. I was just about to start crying when Dr. Cox grabbed my hand and said:

"Look you don't need to tell me if you don't want to, I just wish you would"

I looked at our hands and thought about my father, how when ever I was upset he would just ignore me and never comfort me. Dr. Cox was more of a father to me then he ever was, so filled with a new confidence on our father/son relationship I decided to tell Dr. Cox everything.

"I just feel so lost, I don't know who I am anymore and on top of that I've lost my confidence as a doctor."

Everything was silent for a moment, and then Dr. Cox said:

"You know I tried to commit suicide once"

_What no way Dr. Cox? What?_

"What?"

"Yeah I was 16 maybe 17, I just couldn't handle life anymore" he smiled, _I wonder what he's smiling for?_

"Why?"

"My father was abusive, liked to beat me allot. On top of that my mother became a drunk and always called me things like worthless piece of shit, I wish I never had you, you know things like that. So one day I decided enough was enough"

"What did you do?"

"I tried to drown myself, I remember finding this very heavy rusty old chain, I found a bridge then I wrapped the chain around myself then jumped into the water"

_Oh My God!_

"I was out cold as soon as I hit the water; the doctors said I was dead for 7 minuets. But before I could sink all the ways in a man jumped after me, pulled me to safety, and took me to a hospital"

I was utterly shocked, I could feel him rubbing my hand but my mind was some were else.

"So then what happened?"

" Well nothing really I got better and left the hospital, my father stared beating me more and my mother continued with her insults but this time I didn't care because I knew I could do better. So I worked hard and eventually fulfilled my dream of becoming a doctor"

"Wow I never… I never knew..."

"Yeah I guess now you know why I'm the man I am today haha"

I suddenly became very tired and all I was able to do was yawn and say "aah"

'Hey you should get some rest"

_Wait don't go please don't go_

"Dr. Cox" I said trying to cover my fear

"Don't worry I'll be here when you wake up" he smiled at me.

_Oh my God am I in heaven? Did he just smile?_

**Okay needed to get this chapter out of the way hope you liked it, I know it was just a redo of the other chapter but I had to let you guys know what Jd's thinking. There's going to be one more chapter that will sort of act as a filler before we get to the good stuff. Remember I warned you. Also I hardly get any reviews and I would like to know that my story isn't falling on deaf ears if you know what I mean, a review of some sort will be highly appreciated. Thanks.**


	15. Thoughts and Dreams

**Disclaimer: I do not own Scrubs the Brilliant mind of Bill Lawrence and the amazing Actors and Writers do. I mean honestly do you think I would be writing a fanfic about this right now if I did?**

**Info: Okay people sorry I know it's been a long time since I updated but I've been super busy, I HATE high school with a passion. That's all I've got to say about that. Okay so I just want to thank all you people who read this and I just want to let you know that the story WILL GET BETTER just let me put in the fillers dam you all to hell XD.**

**Anyway so I hope you enjoy the story as much as I enjoyed writing it. I promise more to come as soon as I can.**

**- JustAGirl019**

**JD's POV:**

After Dr. Cox smiled I think I must have passed out from pure joy. The next thing I know I woke up in a white room. I look down at my clothes and I'm not wearing the hospital gown anymore, I'm wearing these very nice and soft silk pajamas.

Um where am I? I yelled

"Hello JD"

It was Matt; he was wearing a gray suit and tie with black dress shoes.

_I wonder where he's going._

Ooh hey Matt, uum what's up? I asked while giving a questioning look.

_Why am I here? Am I dead?_

"I just wanted to say goodbye, and no JD your not dead, you won't be for a long long time."

_Oh my God he's in my head, quick pretend you don't like it._

"So um Where you going?"

He smiled I'm going to Heaven JD

"Really? That's awesome! When?"

"In a few minuets, I just wanted to say goodbye and good luck"

Wow this is so cool, Thanks Matt if it wasn't for you I'd be dead. I grabbed him into a giant hug.

"You smell like an angle"

"Ha-ha I hope so, ooh and JD"

"Yeah?"

"I know Perry never got to thank me for saving him from drowning. I know he thinks about it; Please give him this for me"

He handed me a white envelop and then after smiling he disappeared.

=0-OOOOOO (**)

I jumped out of my sleep nearly tarring off the IV in my hand. I looked down to see a letter lying on my stomach, I picked it up and turned it over; it said Perry on it written in a neat cursive.

_Whoa that was real?_

Hey Bambi what you got there? Carla asked as she came walking in.

N…nothing I stammered and hid the note under my butt.

"Okay?"

"So... Where is Dr. Cox?"

"He went home"

"What... Why?"

_How could he leave me like that, he promised!_

"Relax Bambi I made him go home, he's been here since we first found you, he hasn't left your side since. "

Really I asked not sure if she was telling the truth

"Yes really, do you need anything?"

"Yeah I'm starving, can I get out of this room its driving me crazy "

Sure Bambi let me get you a wheelchair and I'll take you down to have some lunch with me and Turk.

Lunch was sort of embarrassing, I guess most of the staff found out what happened and I guess they were scared to talk to me or something because they all ignored me. Except Ted of course.

"Hey JD I was just wondering, How was it? "

How was what Ted I asked, I had just gotten my lunch and I was on my way to go sit down when he came up to me?

"How was suicide, do you think you might be able to give me some pointers?"

"Maybe another time Ted"

" Aaaww man"

I didn't see Dr. Cox until later that day; He looked back to his normal self so I guess he really needed his sleep. I was glad I waist making him sick or anything from him not going to bed to stay with me. But I did love it, it showed he cared.

"Hey there Barbra, how ya feeling?"

"I'm good, you?"

Fine he said while looking at my chart, well there Newbie it looks like you'll be getting out of here in a day or two. I just need to get the physiatrist down here to have a chat with ya and well be all set.

"Like… like a shrink? Do I have to?"

"Standard Protocol, I know how you don't want don't want to do this, believe me I KNOW what your going through. All he's gona do is ask you some dumb questions about how you feel and then he's gone."

"Oh... Okay"

\

^^^^^^^^*********#####()()()()()()(()()

**DR. COX POV**

_Poor kid, this is going to be hard on him._ The physiatrist on call was a plump man, he had a big noise that looked droopy, a red face, and he was also bald.

_I guess anyone can pass for those kinds of doctors these days_

He was trying to run the hall, I say trying because he would be quick with a few steps then slow down and then repeat. His suite was all undone and he had a giant stain of whatever he was eating on his white shirt.

"You Dr. Cox?"

"Well since I'm the only person standing here, I'm gona go with yeah, the patients right in there"

"Okay, thanks"

He walked over to JD's room and I walked over to Carla who is sitting behind the nurse's station.

So how was you're brake? She asked her eyes never leaving the computer screen.

"It was okay, Jordan was mad that I never went home but we patched things up"

"How'd that go?"

(Flash back)

I walk into my apartment to see Jordan sitting on the couch with a drink in her hand. As I walk in she gives me the death glare and growls a little.

Hi-yeah Jordan I say, she still continues to stare at me while I shrug out of my jacket and head for the liquor cabinet. I pull out my favorite glass and reach for the bottle of scotch, I poor in the cool liquid half way in the cup, my lips twitch eagerly as I bring the cup to my lips. I gulp down the whole half and feel a faint burning in my throat; I ignore it and go for another glass. After downing a few I decide to bring the bottle over to the coffee table by the couch, I walk over to Jordan- whose eyes haven't left me this entire time- and poor me another drink then I put it on the table and sit down.

Jordan turns herself so she can stare at me more, I try to ignore her and continue drinking my poison.

_Dear God this is so annoying what is she looking at?_

"So, where have you been?"

"At the hospital Jordan where else would I be?"

"It's been a week, you can't tell me you had a week long shift I know Kelso isn't that cruel"

"Something happened to newbie"

"Yes I know that Nurse Carla called, she said DJ got hurt of something, is he all right?"

I gulped the rest of my drink and set the glass down on the coffee table.

"He tried to commit suicide Jordan"

"Ooh"

She scooted closer to me and put her head on my shoulder, I wrapped my arm around her and she took my other hand in hers. I knew she probably had allot of questions about what happened and how I was feeling but I knew she wouldn't ask them. She couldn't let me know she cares, that's how the sick game we play goes, we say we hate each other when all we really do is love. It's sick.

We sat there for a while then we went into the bed room, the one place we can really show each other how we feel.

(Flash back ends)

"Good I guess, how you holding up by the way?"

"Good"

"Swell, well I got allot of patients to check on so I'll catch ya later"

"Okay"


	16. Heart Broken Memories

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own scrubs ( hehe or do I?)**

**INFO: okay so I see my story is finally catching on haha, I feel like I'm stuck though I have so much planed for this story and JD is still in the hospital! so I think there are going to be allot of chapters. Anyway I am SO SORRY I didn't update sooner, I've been very busy and my parents are being weird with " Computer privileges" as they call it. So I'm trying to my best to update. I promise I WILL NOT let this story die. hehe. Anyway I felt bad for giving you guys a short chapter before so here's a longer one :)**

**P.S shoutout to all my reviwers you guys rock! and also to anyone who's following this story or doing something that relates to this story or me!**

**P.S.S Thoughts in Italics ( but you already know that) Hehe.**

I was sitting in my bed staring at the walls when someone opened the door. I was expecting Dr. Cox but instead it was a guy I've never seen before.  
_Who's that guy?_  
HI, I'm Dr. Phillips, you must be John, he said in a squeaky voice.  
"Um, I go by JD"  
"Oh okay, are you ready to begin?"  
" sure"

*)(_)(#_()_$(#_(_$)

The interview went on for what seemed like hours he asked me allot of stupid questions about my childhood and parents. The conversation then turned to my high school years, then collage then med school and finally my life at Sacred heart.  
He was always asking me about how I felt during those years and basic questions like that. As a doctor I've seen how shrinks can ruin your life by sending you away or saying you cant work because of the stress. So all I did was lie about basically my entire life.  
Halfway before he left, we got into the more serouis issues about why I did what I did, all i told him was that I was going trough a really rough time but now im fine. He didint seem to by it but thankfully, Carla came in and told him he had to leave.

Thanks Carla I said  
"No problem Bambi, I wanted to get him out earlier but Dr. Cox kept on blocking me out"  
"what, why"  
Not sure she said with a nod of her head, she stared at me for a while then finally asked  
" Are you okay ?"  
"Yep, all good"  
She kept staring at me, as if willing me to tell her the truth but there was no way I was gonna tell her that I still felt bad. Then she would be even more worried and she probably wouldn't leave me alone.

After she left I sat there starring at the cream walls in my hospital bed when Elliott came in, she didn't say anything, she just grabbed the chair and scooted over to sat in complete silence for a while, not saying anything. I wonder what she's thinking

Finally Elliott took a deep breath then asked how I was doing. I told her everything was fine and I should be getting out of here in a couple of days. She just nodded and looked away from me. As I watched her I saw tears coming out of her eyes so I asked her what was wrong.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry she said as she wiped the tears off with her hands

" Are you okay?"

" Yeah JD I'm fine, are you?

Yeah, all good I said in a monotone voice, even as I said it I didn't believe myself, I doubt she did either.

So how's work going for you, I feel really bad you've been taking care of every ones patients for them while they were dealing with me, thank you I smiled - or at least tried to - at her and she just nodded her head. After a few trembling breaths she finally regained her composure, looked me straight in the eyes and asked:

" Why did you do it JD? Was it beceause of me?"

I closed my eyes trying to take it all in, _she blames herself? why?_after taking a few deep breaths myself I sighed then told her the truth, " No.. no Elliott, I mean yeah there was a small part that did this because of what happened... but it wasn't all that... I've just been dealing with allot of stress and well I could of used someone to help me through this and you.. you left me, I was all alone and I didn't know who to turn to and I justfeltsobad" The last part came out in a rush so I hoped she got the rest I took a few more breaths willing myself not to cry _God I'm such a girl, wait till Dr. Cox hears about this_.

When I finally won the battle over my tears I opened up to see Elliott had left, she left me all alone again. I groaned and decided to go back to sleep.

)*()&($)&#)&()#&()&()&()&()&()

**( DR. COX POV)**

After I left Carla by the nurses station I went over to a patient of mine, Mr. Burton, he was suffering from lung cancer and I had to unforchetly notify his wife and kids that this would be the last time they would see their father. _What a Great day_

As I walked in I looked at Mr. Burton, I mean really looked at him, he had wavy, jet black long hair that went to his shoulders and a mustache to go with it, his skin was a copper brown mostly seen with people from Indian decent so I was guessing he was part Native American. He also had these dark grayish blueish eyes that looked to be anctient even though the man was barley 50.

_I wonder if he knows? What is he thinking? Does he know this is the last day of his life or does he have some weird faith in whatever God he belives in? _A million different thoughts passed though my head as I approached them, It was always sort of eery to see someone this close to death, it was like he was almost face to face with it but it was still turning its head to get a better look at him.

Forcing these weird thoughts out of my head I let out a huge sigh and got ready to break the horrible news. " As you know Mr. Burton you're cancer has worsened, I'm afraid there is nothing more we can do"

His wife I presumed begain to cry, she also had the same jet black hair as he but hers was more curly, she had the greenist eyes i've ever seen to like the forrest or a really green plant. I watched as she braked down at the thought of never being with her love again. _Stupid people, that's what you get for depending on others, they always let you down... one way or another._

I of course leaned that the hard way when I found out Jordan was cheating on me with a fellow college, the hard spot there was that I took that kid under my wing and taught him everything I knew, and what did he do? he banged my wife!

I usually play it off as nothing to big, but secretly it still hurts, sometimes when I'm holding Jordan I always feel like I'm going to lose her the next day. It was my biggest fear, but of course I would never, ever, ever tell her that.

I watched intently, waiting for Mr. Burtton to brake down as well, I mean come one he was going to die in a matter of hours, but as I looked into his eyes I knew he didn't care about that, all he cared about was that his wife was going to be okay. _Well man earns my respect _I walked out of there before I had to witness the I love yous and what not. I re-he-he-al-ly did not want to see or hear that.

As I was rounding the Cornor Barbie came running into me nearly making me fall back.

" Hey watch it there bar-"

I stopped mid sentence she was crying her eyes out and she looked like she was ready to have a heart attack, immediately I thought something bad happened to JD _maybe he tried to kill himself again? maybe this time he succeeded? _Trying to keep my cool I lifted her chin up with my finure and asked as nicely as I could what was wrong.

She started to cry even harder, her whole body was trembling with the impact of her tears that she toppled backwards almost smaking her head agents the floor if I hadn't grabbed her in time.

" Hey, hey now what's wrong"  
" HE DID IT BECAUSEOFME" she scream out.

I couldn't really catch that last part so I had to re-run it in my head a few time before understanding, _Elliott caused JD to try to kill himself._She was sliding to the floor now and she was probably about to crawl into the fetal position. I usually would of laughed at her stuppiddiy but all of a sudden I had a weird flash back of the night I found out Jordan had been cheating on me. I remember breaking everything in my house and drinking up a storm. I also remember climbing into bed holding my knees to my stomach to stop from crying so hard. I had never really cried once in my life, but that day, that day I did.

Feeling bad for Barbie I reached up and grabbed her form the floor, she barley even said anything as I held her bridal style and headed towards the roof. As I reached the top I checked to see if Barbie was asleep or something because I hadn't heard her make a single noise on our journey. I looked down at her and she seemed to be in another world, lost in some deep thought. Her eyes were all red and puffy and her hair was stuck to her face and neck, I gently peeled the hair off her hot skin as I set her down on the roof.

I walked away from her and let her have some space, while I walked to the edge of the roof and looked out onto the beautiful city. I placed my hands on my head and let the cool breeze hit my face, it felt amazing, I took off my coat and set it on the side to fully get the air. Some were during this Elliott came to stand besides me, she was watching the sky as if it might rain or something, then she finally turned to me and mumbled something.

What? I asked

Thank you she said in a soft voice, I needed this.

Don't mention this, and I didn't mean it as in the saying it was a warning and she new it

" I know, sorry I freaked out back there"

"it's okay I know what it feels like to be hurt like that, again don't mention it" I raised my eyebrows at her to make sure she got the double meaning, clearly she did. I looked at my watch to see that it was time to go, Hey Barbie I said shifts over.

" Oh okay" she said and smiled.

I was going to leave but something was compelling me to stay so I sat there a while enjoying the weather and the view, as I finally stated to feel refreshed I looked over to see Barbie had fallen asleep. I let out a sigh as I got up, stretched my back then picked her up and carried her downstairs. Most of the nurses and doctor's gave me weird looks but I didn't care, from what I knew Elliott didn't have a car so I decided to drop her off home. I really didn't know where she lived so while I strapped her into the seat- mind you she was still sleeping- I pulled out my cellphone to call Carla.

After two rings she picked up, she sounded groggily like I just woke her up,

Hello? she asked

" Hey Carla its me Perry look I got Barbie here, she had some kind of nervous brake down and well now she passed out, shes okay though ... I think. Anyway can you please give me directions to her house?"

it took Carla a minuete to understand what was going on, "Wait what, okay Perry I suck at giving directions but just come and pick me up and I'll help you get there, I think I should spend the night with her just in case."

" Okay I'll be there in about 10 minuets" I said then hung up the phone. I started the engine of my sleek black porshe and raced to Carla's house. When I pulled up she was already waiting outside with a small suitcase. I opened the door, popped the trunk and put her bags in the trunk. Carla went over to the passenger seat and got in then she turned and cast a worried glace at Elliott before clipping on her seat belt.

As I got in I straped myself in as well and started the car, we spoke in whispers since I didint want to wake her up.

" So what happened to her?"

" I'm not even sure, I was coming out of a patients room she ran into me and almost fell on the floor form crying I carried her to the roof so she could get some fresh air then she fell asleep"

" Why would she just lose it?"

" She said something about how what happened to JD was her fault"

" What? Why would she think that"

" Again Carla as Amazing as I am, I'm no phycic, my only guess is maybe that idiot told her"

Carla sent me a glare but didn't say anything, after turning down a few streets Carla told me to we pulled up to an apartment complex which was very nice i might add. _nice taste Barbie_

I popped open the trunk as Carla got out to get her things, then I got out of the car myself and went to the back seats in the car where Elliott was laying restlessly sideways. Her arm and half her head was hanging off the seat but that didn't seem to bother her, her legs were also cramped up.

_I need to get bigger car._

I carried Barbie all the way up to her apartment, then Carla opened the door and I put Barbie to bed in her room, I felt bad about leaving her laying in scrubs but I guessed Carla might fix her out of thous, before I left I tucked her in and kissed her head then muttered sweet dreams.

I wasn't trying to be nice but it was just easier to relate to Barbie because shes going though a heart brake much like mine right now. I felt bad for her. I felt like I needed to protect her.

**As you can see Dr. Cox And Elliott are getting close, but I'm not going to let you know were it's going to lead hehe. I have a 5 day weekend coming up this week soooo I will do my best to update a chapter or two during my small VK. :)**


	17. Our Point Of Veiw

**Hey sorry I took so long to update on this guys, but I did give you a pretty long chapter haha.**

**Disclaimer : Don't own scrubs.**

**Elliott POV**

I was in a deep sleep when someone came into my room and opened the curtains forcing the sun in. _Ugh what's goin on? _I shrugged out of my nice warm blankets and looked up to who was in my room.

" Carla?"

" Elliott, it's almost time for your shift to start, your luck I stayed over" She began fuming around trough my closet looking for clean scrubs.

" Carla, what are you doing here?"

" Well I'm no to sure what happened but I guess you ran into Dr. Cox then you fainted and he drove you home, well after he picked up me because he didn't know where you lived"

" Dr. Cox drove me home?"

I thought back to late last night, I remember running into , then I remember being on the roof with him. After that things got a little hazy, but I could of swore I heard him tell me sweet dreams before he left. I reached up to my forward were kissed me, and felt myself blush.

"Are you okay?"

" Yeah im fine, sorry you had to stay here"

" No its okay, Truks' been bugging me for sex and I'm tired of having to pertain to sleep for a while"

" haha, okay well I'm gonna get ready"

&(*^*(^*&$^*$^**^51*&*(^&%&19&*^*()_()*)*&*^&%$#$$#$%^&*()

**Carla pov**

I Couldn't help but notice Elliott blush when I told her Dr. Cox drove her home. I decided to keep my mouth shut and not say anything to her about it. After we finished talking I went out into the other room to wait. _I wonder why she was blushing, are they sleeping together?_

_No, no Elliott would never do that, besides she loves JD, even though they broke up I know she still loves him, but why is she blushing when I mention Perry? Maybe I'll ask him later._

Elliott came out of the room waring sky blue scrubs with a dark gray long sleeved shirt underneath.

" You ready to go?"

" Yeah, lets go"

**Dr. Cox POV**

I got home around eight, as I walked in I saw Jordan asleep on the couch, she had a drink in her hand and she looked so peaceful but sad at the same time. I closed the door and locked it then I went over to her and took the empty glass out of her hand. She stirred a little but other than that she didint wake up. I looked at her and started to think about our Lives together and how far we've came.

_We might kiss when we are alone  
When nobody's watching  
We might take it home  
We might make out when nobody's there  
It's not that we're scared  
It's just that it's delicate  
_

I went over to her and picked her up, her eyes fluttered open and she looked at me oddly.

" Perry?"

I didn't say anything, just brout her over to the bed and kissed her. As I was kissing her I kept thinking about the time I lost her, I thought of when she walked out the door and never came back.

_So why do you fill my sorrow  
With the words you've borrowed  
From the only place you've known  
And why do you sing Hallelujah  
If it means nothing to you  
Why do you sing with me at all?_

She kissed back and I got lost in her eyes, as I looked at her I saw the sadness in her eyes. I felt bad for making her sad I didn't want her to feel pain.

We might live like never before  
When there's nothing to give  
Well how can we ask for more  
We might make love in some sacred place  
The look on your face is delicate

I took her head in my hands and kissed her, forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone and to show her how I really feel.

So why do you fill my sorrow  
With the words you've borrowed  
From the only place you've known  
And why do you sing Hallelujah  
If it means nothing to you  
Why do you sing with me at all?

she ran her hands through my hair and brought her lips to mine, it felt like pure ecstasy, and for once all my troubles were gone. All I wanted was her and nothing eles.

So why do you fill my sorrow  
With the words you've borrowed  
From the only place you've known  
And why do you sing Hallelujah  
If it means nothing to you  
Why do you sing with me at all?

" Perry I Love you"

I kissed her softly on the lips like she was the most delicate thing on the world.

" I love you to, please don't ever leave me again, I can't... I can't lose you again"

She kissed me again putting more force into the kiss.

" I never will do that again, I promise."

I smiled a huge smile and pulled her close to me. We fell asleep in each others arms and for once I was okay with it.

*(*(*(&*&&^^$%^%&*)(()*)&*&^$%%^&*()

When I woke up Jordan was still fast asleep, she had her head on my chest and her hand on the left side of my chest. She woke up after a while; I was playing with her hair.

" Hi" She said with a beautiful smile.

Hi I relapied back

" So what was up with you last night, not that I'm complaining"

" You know what day it is today, right?"

She looked at me confused for a moment before she figured it out, " Oh" was the only thing she said.

" The day I walked out, the day you found out about Pete"

" Yep" I said with a pop of the p

" Look, I'm not sure how many times I have to say sorry, I know you've never really been able to forgive or trust me after that, but I do love you, and I'm never going to leave again unless you want me to"

I cringed inside when she said that she would go if I wanted her to, I will never want her to leave.

" Well I'm never going to ask you to leave"

" good,can I ask you something?"

" Sure"

" Where were you last night?"

" By Barbie's house"

" what?"

" Yeah she fainted in the hospital so I drove her home."

" Oh, ok well I've got to go take a shower"

She gave me a kiss on the cheek and practialy ran out of the bed.

_What's wrong with her?_

**Okay I was going to keep going with this chapter but I'm not sure if you guys are going to stop reading if this gets to long. So next chapter will have the rest of this and then some of another chapter I made. I hope you guys understand what I was trying to do when Dr. Cox came home, I wanted him to be sad and let his guard down for once, and where its in italics that a song. I wanted to make it like in on the show were you hear a song playing and then they are doing something that goes with the song. so I hope you guys understood what I was trying to do there. By the by check out that song haha its called delicate by Damien Rice.**


	18. Finnaly out

**Okay so I just want to say I'm very sorry I haven't updated in forever but I haven't had a computer in a while so I just got one for my birthday so Ill be able to update and finally finish this story! I'm sorry for the bad grammar in the last chapter I'm going to re-edit it when I get the chance. **

**Disclaimer: Don't own scrubs but I now have all the seasons!**

**(J.D POV)**

It was now my last day at the hospital as a patient, I would get a week off for the physiologist called emotional trauma relief and then things would go back to normal. I was so happy to get out of the hospital; it really sucks when everyone here gets to look at you. I felt like I was on display at a museum.

**(Daydream)**

Man walking with group of people down a hall, get to J.D's door, can see thought window. J.D is sitting in a corner crouched down. "And here you will see an animal that goes by the name of J.D, J.D come here boy come up to the glass so we can see you" J.D sniffs the air before crawling over to the glass then starts to lick it. The group gasps.

(**Daydream ends)**

J.D shook his head as Dr. Cox came into the room. "You ready to leave?" "Yeah" I said forcing a smile. Dr. Cox closed the door behind him and locked it then he closed the shades. "Dr. Cox?" I asked, he turned and looked at me then rubbed his nose grabbed the chair turned it backwards and sat on it. "J.D, now I need you to promise me I won't ever see you in here again, not as a patient anyway. I need to know that your going to get help, and if you do need anything, and I mean anything don't hesitate to call me, okay?" I nodded stunned by his change of character towards me. " Now don't think that just because I'm being all fatherly now does not mean I'm not going to hold back on you, I promised Carla I would lay off for a while but after that I'm not going to, okay girls name" he smirked at me then turned and walked out.

I sat back in bed to stunned to move then afterwards grabbed my stuff to change into. As I reached for my jacked a small bag with white powder falls out. I snatch it off the ground as quick as I can. _Oh my God, did they not search my pockets? _ Through the week or so that I've been here I went though detox and it was not pretty at all. I thought that now maybe I could have my second chance at life so I promised myself as soon as I got home I was going to flush the drugs down the toilet and never do that again.

After I signed the papers, drove me home since Turk was stuck in Surgery and Carla was busy with the nurses. As we pulled up to the apartment taped my shoulder as I was about to get out "Do you need anything else?" " No, I'm fine, really I am, thank you by the way for all you did" " No problem, Its my job I'm a doctor" he smiled I got a little sad when he said that but didn't say anything, I just nodded and got out of the car.

When I walked into the house I collapsed on my bed and sighed, I got up and took off my jacket when the drugs fell out yet again. I picked them up and headed to the bath room when a voice popped into my head _hey don't throw that out, you might need them for later_ "No I promised myself I wouldn't do it anymore" I knew I was talking to no one and that this probably meant I was going crazy but still I heard a reply _So what screw promises, you wasted good money on that Pity for it to go to waste right? Don't you just want to feel the rush again? _ I pulled my hand back from out of range of dropping the stuff into the toilet. "But, I can't, I shouldn't" _Come on, don't you just want to go far away for a while? Somewhere where no one is watching you all the time? Or worrying about you, where all your troubles are gone?_ I sighed then returned to my room and locked the door, then I opened the bag and set up lines on my bedside table after doing the lines I cleaned off the evidence of what I did and then opened the door because I didn't want to freak out Carla and Turk then hid the bag under my bed and climbed underneath the covers as I traveled to another world.

**Okay so I'm glad to be back at writing this although I do admit it took me a while to start writing this one again. Anyway I know this chapter is sort of short but I'll have the next one up soon. My general Idea for this story was lost long ago... guess I should have wrote it down so now I'm just writing what ever comes to mind. I suck I know. Anyway hope you enjoyed it? **


	19. Gone for a week, a time to feel weak

**Hi readers! Hope you enjoy the chapter, I'm happy to say I am over my writers block! Anyway I also wanted to give a shout out to my readers and to anyone who review favorite the story or me as an author. I know I don't really thank you guys and for that I'm sorry, but I am thanking you now so THANK YOU! I love you all! **

**p.s **

**Nebunie I just wanted to say that your review was appreciated, and I also wanted to say don't ever feel bad for posting a bad review about how bad the story is, what you said was true and as many people before you told me how bad the story was in the beginning I worked on making it better. I think once I'm done with my other stories I will go back to re-editing this one. **

It's been a week since I got back from the hospital, Dr, Kelso gave me a week off to "recuperate and get better" in all honestly that week was spent with me just getting high and sitting in my room. I told Turk and Carla I was just tired so they wouldn't worry and they eventually left me to my own devises.

When I left the hospital I thought that I would get better but after I got high that fist day I got back I felt loads better. I stayed off it for a day trying to gather myself I told myself I didn't need the drug, I told myself I didn't need it anymore. But then Carla and Turk kept on checking in on me and Elliott even called once or twice to ask me how I was doing. _I feel like a baby _J.D thought sourly as he reassured Cara he was okay for the millionth time that day. "Okay Bambi, but if you need anything, or if you just want to talk… well just let me know okay?" "Sure Carla"

After our little conversation I ran to my room to do some lines just to make the pain go away. I hated the way they saw me now, I know they've always thought of me as weak but this was a whole knew level. As I walked into the room I locked the door and after grabbing the small bag from under my bed I went to sit in a corner next to my closet. I clutched the bag in my hand while senseless tears ran down my cheeks. I wanted this pain to end, I wanted to stop having people feeling sorry for myself, I wanted to feel happy. I continued to stare at the bag as I slipped into a dark depression, I thought of everything that made me feel like crap and I subconsciously made a list in my head.

I am a failure and hopeless for love.

Everyone thinks I'm unstable.

No one really likes me, I'm a burden to everyone I know.

I'm forced to stop my thoughts when a sudden sob escapes my lips; I shook at the force of it and desperately clawed open the bag of coke in my hand. _No more, I don't want to feel anymore!_ I think to myself as I crawl over to my bedside table sprinkling lines of white dust onto the glass and eagerly inhaling. As the burning sensation fills my noise my mind becomes hazy, I feel as if everything is slow and for once I stop thinking. I lazy clean up my mess and pour any contents of powder I missed into the small plastic bag which is now almost empty. I sigh as all my problems disappear and I am once again surrounded by sweet nothingness.

**Dr. Cox's P.O.V:**

It's been a week since newbie was released from the hospital and I haven't heard from him since, sighing I angrily smack my hands on the desk. _Oh get over it Perry, who cares if newbie hasn't talked to you in a week, when did you become so dependable on him? _To add more pain for comfort I do a quick face desk just as Carla taps my shoulder. "Something wrong?" she asked dressed in her usual pink scrubs, her hair pulled back in a bun. "What, no just thinking" I say as I grab a chart. "In case you were wondering, Bambi's doing fine, granted he spends most of his time in his room, but he's good." _ How does she always know what I'm thinking? _ "What does he do in his room?" I ask finally letting her see what she knew already; that I actually was worried about J.D. "Sleeps mostly, says he's tired" she shrugged, "I think he's just embarrassed about the whole thing" I nod my head "Yeah probably, well I got to go check on a patient see you later" I say I see her nod and I go off to check on a patient. _ Is he really tired or is he just telling them that, is he doing something else? Cutting, Crying, Doing drugs, planning another suicide? _I push the silly thoughts away _no he wouldn't, there's no way he would. _Sighing once more I go off down the hall to deal with a patient.

**Okay so I'm running into a bit of a wall with the plot there is one thing I am not sure about so I would like YOU the readers to tell me what to do, as soon as I figure out how to put a poll on my page I ask you all to vote. For the time being I'm just going to ask all who review to answer the following question: Should Dr. Cox be with Jordan or Elliott? Please answer so I know what to do for the next chapter **** thank you. **


	20. Back to the place where I belong

**Hey everyone here is a new chapter. Everyone please read the bottom info, thanks. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs, just this story haha**

Today is my first day back at the hospital as a doctor since my attempted suicide a few weeks ago. I took a leave of absence to try and clear my head and get better. So far I haven't gotten better; in fact I've gotten worse. Not only do I do coke lines every night but I smoke weed and cut myself.

I know I shouldn't do these things, I know I there's really no reason to but I just can't stop. The pain just won't go away and doing these things are the only things that stop it… if only for a moment. I've realized that I'm….I'm broken. I can't be fixed.

I just hope I can keep my act together when I'm working, when I take brakes I'll do some quick lines in the bathroom or go out for a smoke, no big deal. The sound of my clock alarm wakes me from my musings. _Here we go_.

After I shower, eat breakfast, do my hair and shower I'm ready to go. Turk has the day off but Carla doesn't so she takes me along with her. We arrive with five minuets to spear and after putting my stuff away in my locker it's time to start the day. _So far so good. _I think pleasantly as I grab my patents charts from the nurses station.

**Dr. Cox P.O.V:**

It was the kids first day back since the incident and honestly I couldn't be happier. _ I'm so glad for this to all be over, he's okay now. _ The day started out very good, I woke up with the love of my life in my arms, she was still asleep so I watched her sleep in my arms. _ Is this what happiness fee_ls _like?_ I muse as I kiss her forehead gently. She stirs in my embrace and opens an eye.

"Sorry Jordan, I was um just sitting here" I say innocently, _no need to make her think I've gone soft. _ She smiles knowingly _dam it!_ And rises her head up to kiss me full on the lips. "Sure you where Per-per" I smile down at her and kiss her once more before gently moving her and getting off the bed.

"Well I got to go, call me if you need me" I say hurriedly as I rush to my dresser to grab my scrubs. After getting ready and saying goodbye to Jordan and my son Jack. I leave to the hospital. _I hope newbie's okay. _

When I get to the hospital I bump into Barbie who quickly hides her face as a blush spreads though her cheeks. "Sorry" she mutters. "No problem" I say, I feel like since she opened up to me we have grown closer, as it turns out we actually have allot in common. I turn to leave after straighten myself out when I hear "Dr. Cox?" I turn and look at Elliott who still has her head down. "Thank… Thank you for the other day" she finally says.

"Hey don't mention it, look if you ever need to just talk about anything" I close my eyes as I deliver the fatal yet true words "I'm here". Her head snaps up and she gives me a slight smile. "Thank you" I nod and we both go our separate ways.

As I walk up to Carla I see her talking to **B**ambi who looks tired, I worriedly look him over before I walk up. He looks skinnier, unhealthy even. His face is more sunken in and it looks as if he has a bit of a yellowish tint to him. _He's probly just going though withdraw. _ As newbie leaves I walk up to Carla and grab the chart she hands to me "How is he?" I ask in a low voice so only she can hear me.

She looks at me with a worried expression; I try to hide my own worry for newbie and try to hide it as curiosity. Of course with Carla it does me no good, dam women she can see right through me! "He's fine; I think he's embarrassed about the whole thing."

"Is he eating? He looks a bit more womanly than before" Carla frowns slightly " I think so, he doesn't come out of his room much" I nod_ Something doesn't seem right_ " Okay well I guess I better go" I say as I leave to a patients room

_I just really hope the feeling in my gut is wrong, I hope the kid is actually okay. _

**( J.D P.O.V)**

First day back and everything seems to be okay, so far I haven't ran into Dr. Cox witch is something I'm not sure to be happy or sad about. The day went on like I knew it would, People would give me sympathy looks then when I turned my back they would start whispering. It's very annoying!

I sigh as I finish with my last patient before lunch; this unlucky guy got in a car crash and is now brain dead. I had Carla call the family back to the hospital so I could explain to them what there options were. Of course there really was none, but I had to explain to them all there options however hopeless they were. I sigh as I open my locker, I grab out my jacket and close it.

As I walk the halls I bump into Turk. " Hey buddy" I say as I try to move past him. " Hey Vb are you coming to lunch?" " Yeah I'll be there in a little bit, I need some air first" I say as he hugs me slightly and heads off towards the café.

As I climb the stairs to the roof I think I hear the sound of the door opening again but I chose to ignore it and continue on my way to the roof. _Prob just my imagination_.

When I finally reach the top I walk over to the edge and pull out my pack of cigarettes and my lighter.

I swiftly pull out a cigarette, the soft yet cool texture in my fingers lights a smile on my face, I quickly put the cig in my mouth and light the lighter. After a few moments I inhale the intoxicating smoke into my lungs and let it back out with another breath. I take another drag from the cig and let my mind drift away into oblivion.

_Look how high up I am, what a nice fall it would be. One step and all the pain is gone, everything is…gone. _

I feel my left leg twitch and I slowly move it forward closer to the edge of the building.

_Just one step and it's all gone. _

Just as I'm about to make what would be my last step on this earth I hear someone say "Newbie, what are you doing? "

My eyes snap open_ Oh shit!_

**Hey everyone! Hope you enjoy this chapter. Poor JD he just can't catch a break, maybe he never will especially if I keep making him depressed and suicidal. **

**Anyway the poll is up on my page so if you guys can vote that would be great. **

**I've been looking at the reviews and it seems everyone wants him with Jordan which is fine with me because they are my favorite couple anyway.**

**I also realized that part of the reason I made this story was to make Elliott and Cox closer, I mean throughout the series Dr. Cox opens up to a variety of people. He even befriends his arch enemy Kelso yet he can't get closer to Elliott? **

**So anyway keep voting because there's two way this story could go with that mini plot line and I would like to know what you guys and gals want. **

**Another quick question: Who here wants JD to actually get better? I could either turn this story into a real depression one by having him finally succeed in his suicide, or I can make him get help from everyone in Sacred Heart and put this all behind him. What do you think? **


	21. Hey JD

**Hey everyone, new chapter here. I bet you weren't expecting a new one so early huh? But here it is! So read and enjoy!**

**Also just wanted to say thanks to all who reviewed or followed the story**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Scrubs.**

**P.S Thoughts are in italics**

"_**Hey**__** newbie, what are you doing?"**_

_**Oh**__** shit!**_

"Um nothing, just getting some air" I say calmly as I hop back down off the ledge.

"And why were you on the ledge Scarlet?" Dr. Cox asks as he walks toward me, he's wearing a dark gray shirt with blue scrubs followed by his famous brown jacket.

I look down towards the street below and feel the pull of it wanting me to jump; I resist and reply "Just wanted to see the street better"

He nods then looks at me and does a double take "You smoke?" he asks in a surprised voice; his eyebrows move straight up his head as he looks at me. It's as if looking at me for the first time in a long time.

"Um yeah…new habit" I announce. He nods again. Dr. Cox himself pulls out a carton and a lighter "reoccurring one" he states as he brings the cool tip of cancer to his mouth. After an intake of breath and an exhale Cox looks at me again.

"J.D" he says with a serious and concerned voice, I look at his face witch looks suddenly vary tired, as if just the act of talking is exhausting him. _Look what you're doing to him, your killing him. _I push the thought away; he only says my name if he wants to really get thought to me. _Oh please don't. It's just a waste of time Dad. I'm broken. I can't be fixed_.

_Maybe this is what you need._

_Wait did I just call him dad?_

_Yeah I guess I did._

I guess that's all I've ever wanted, a mentor, a father figure, someone I could look up to, someone who would help me if I needed it. It's a wonder how I ever made it out of med school without Cox paving the way. This must be killing him. Seeing me like this.

I know he'll never admit it but I like to think he views me in a way I view him. But he views me as a son. Although I wouldn't doubt it if I was wrong, I usually am.

"Are you, ya know. Okay?" he asks, Perry keeps his blazing green/blue eyes on me as he takes another drag from his cig. The staring makes the lying harder, I think he knows that.

"yeah I'm fine" I hear myself answer.

_Please buy it._

I take my time with my next drag; I don't want to talk about my problems but then again who does. Dr. Cox continues to look;finally he shakes his head.

"You don't look ok J.D"

"Yeah well I am" I say harshly.

_I'm not._

"What happened to you?, did I do this? Tell me honestly did I break you into what you are now?"

"And what am I exactly?" I ask bitterly, as I take another drag letting the smoke burn my eyes so I can at least feel something. Anything but this stupid depression.

"Your nothing J.D, You're not living" he says. I notice he's done with his cigarette, but Cox pulls out another one and continues the assault of the cancer stick.

"If I'm not living, what am I doing?" I think out loud, I hadn't meant to say that but I know he's going to answer. always does.

"You're existing. Just like I did"

"And how do I start…you know living again?"

"You got to beat this, after you win the fight you start to live"

I nod and take my last drag of the cigarette.

"Carla and Gandhi, they can't help you J.D. They don't know what its like"

"Who can?" I ask as my eyes threaten to spew the waterworks I've tried desperately to hold in.

"I can" he states firmly. He's so sure of himself, so confident. _I wish I was like that._

"I'm not ready, I need a few days to try it on my own" I say in a weak voice, afraid to look him in the eyes. Afraid that if Perry looks he'll already see what I think he already knows. A drug addict who's afraid of getting better.

"What are you on?" He asks calmly, I notice his hands are balled into fists at his sides though.

"A few things" I say. He looks angry, I see a scowl forming on his face and I want desperately to be out of the line of fire. But we are the only ones on the roof. _Shit. _His hand snatches up at my jacket and he starts frisking. I shout protest but to no avail,he found my getaway. He found the one thing that's keeping me sane.

"So" Cox snarls as he holds the bag of white powder "this is why you're not ready huh?" _Get it back, get it back!_ I yell in my head as I try and wrench it from his grip. But he's far too strong and big for me; pretty soon I'm tired from all this fighting and want nothing more then to lie down.

With one last surge of energy I try and punch him in the face so I can get the bag but he ends up dodging it and I fly face first into the grave I was standing on. _Oh shit._

_Man this didn't turn out as I hoped._

As soon as I seen the kid I knew he was still screwed up. I tried to tell him I could help him which is something I know I can do. _Honestly what can't I do?_

But then he had to say he wasn't ready and at first I believed him. I thought he was scared of admitting he needed the help but as I looked him over I realized he looked more and more like the drug addicts we see here everyday. That's when I got mad.

I mean come on, my newbie, my protégé, my son. _Wait my son? _I put the thought away to mull over later as I lift his frail body and head downstairs.

I leave him on the fifth floor staircase since no one uses it. I lie him gently down and frisk him again for any other drugs he might have. Not finding anymore I make my way over to the nurse's station.

As I walk over I see Carla talking excitedly to Gandhi who's looking just as excited.

"Hey Dr. Cox, have you seen Bambi?"

I sigh and place the drug on the counter for only her to see. "We need to have a little talk" I growl.

_Here we go again._

**Hope you all enjoyed it! Please leave a review.**


	22. Running away, a new start

**Hey everyone here is a long chapter to make up for not updating in a month. Once again I am sorry but my computer is currently broken. I've been trying to update my stories whenever I get my hands on a computer and its taking a while to update everything so once again sorry for the wait. **

**Also just wanted to thank anyone who has followed this story of sent in a review you guys are amazing and I'm sorry I don't tell you all that as often as I should. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs. If I did Dr. Cox would have his shirt off during the entire show. **

**( J.D P.O.V)**

I woke up with a huge headache.

"Gah!" I said pathetically as I held my head in my hand.

_Where am I?_

I shook my head slightly to clear my head. Under the pain of my head injury was my vision and I sighed happily when everything was clear.

As I glanced around I realized I was on the stair case on some floor; then I remembered what happened on the roof.

_Fuck Dr. Cox probably brought me down here to after I fell. Oh no he's probably telling Carla and Turk what happened. I should get out of here. _

Grimacing in pain I got up off the floor and made my way down the stairs towards the entrance to the hospital. 

I made sure to keep my head down the entire time so no one would see me, as nervous habit I also rubbed my neck with my right hand allot.

With a backwards glance at the hospital full of sick patents, wonderful nurses, and courageous doctors I walked away from the place I called my home.

_Good bye Sacred Heart. _

**(Dr. Cox P.O.V)**

"Carla, the kid needs to come with me" I stated firmly. If anyone could heal J.D it was me.

"Why?" she asked her face still in Gandhi's chest, I just finished telling them about what happened on the roof. Carla was still very upset about it.

I sighed. I definitely didn't want to tell them about my own dark past.

"Because I've been through this before, I know exactly what he's going through"

Carla gasped. She turned towards me, her tear soaked face looking at me with realization. "That's why you left"

I nodded.

Gandhi just looked at us confused; before he could ask more on the subject I changed it.

"So are we in agreement?" I personally didn't care what they said, I'd be taking J,D either way but I knew Carla would be mad if I didn't tell her first.

"Yes, I know you can help him Perry. Please do"

I nodded and we all walked away.

_Now to go get J.D and take him to my house_

_Well kid your finally getting what you wished for, you get to stay in my place for a few days although I wish it was on better circumstances._

I pulled out my cell phone to call Jordan.

Ring…..Ring…Ring…Ring

"Hello?"

"Jordan"

"Per-per, something wrong?"

"No but I was wondering if you could drop Jack off at your moms for a few days"

"Ooh Perry, Are we going to have fun tonight" she squealed in a seductive purr that made my lower region react.

"No sorry Jordan but It looks like we're going to have a visitor for a few days and I don't want Jack to see what's going to happen"

"What's going on Perry?"

After I explained to Jordan that J.D would be staying with us a few days so I could help him quit his addiction and get better she agreed and said she'd call her mom.

"If anyone can help that kid, it's you Perry"

"Yeah I know"

"Okay I'll my mom and fix the guest room"

"Okay Jordan, I love you"

"I know you do"

Click.

I couldn't help but smile at Jordan antics.

As I walked back up to the stair well I felt J.D only to find that he was gone.

"FUCK" I yelled. Then I went Newbie hunting.

**(J.D P.O.V)**

I hailed a cab back to the apartment and quickly began to pack my things. I knew I wouldn't be able go back to Sacred Heart, Dr. Cox would have told Carla and Chocolate Bear about my drug addiction. With them knowing the whole hospital would know so my job is deffintly gone.

_How could a drug addict be a doctor?_ I mused as I packed my bag.

I didn't know where I was going or what I was going to do with my life but I just had to get away.

After I finished packing I decided to write Carla and Turk a letter telling them I would miss them. I also added in a bit about Elliott and Dr. Cox.

A sudden bang outside caused me to get up and go over to the window, I saw get out of a cab and stalk over to my building.

"Shit!" I yelled I started to pull my hair out frantically.

_You can go out the window._

I nodded to myself then grabbed my back and started opening the window. Just as I had it opened as was about to step out I heard the front door swing open.

"Newbie!" I heard Dr. Cox yelled. I flinched. _Oh crap. _

**(Dr. Cox P.O.V)**

I walked into the apartment. "Newbie!" I shouted. I knew he was here, he was doing what I did before. I shook my head to get old memories out of my head and began my search for the kid.

As I walked further into the apartment I saw him, looking like a deer in headlights. He had a back slung over his side, the window was open and one foot was on the fire escape. I also noticed it was raining and the rain was coming into the home.

"J.D what are you doing?" I said softly hopping I could coax him back inside the house.

He looked at me confused for a moment before answering "I'm leaving"

"What about your job?" I asked taking a step forward. I saw him tense for a moment.

"What about it, I'm sure everyone knows I'm a drug addict by now"

"What makes you say that" Another step.

"You told Carla"

I nodded "Yes I did, But I did it to help you. Not to rat you out anyone"

"So" he said at a loss for words.

"So J.D I want to help you."

"You can't" he said firmly.

I saw deep sadness in his eyes and sighed.

"Please come inside. I have to tell you something"

He shook his head

"Look J.D I'm the only one who knows where you are, if you don't like what I have to say you can leave"

He started at me for a moment, eyebrows scrunched together as he tried to figure out what to do. With a girly shrug he came back into the house and sat down on the couch next to me.

I angled myself so that he could see me and took a deep breath.

" It's easy to lose oneself when you have no one to hold on to" seeing Newbie's questioning look I continued " Yes I do know what your going though, I went though it too"

"You..You had Jordan" he stammered.

I shook my head sadly. "No I didn't. She had just cheated with Petey. I was lost and alone"

"Carla" he said uncertainly.

" No I left the hospital for a while, came back a few months before you showed up No one ever asked me what happened and I moved on. You see with me it's different. I didn't have anyone but you….you J.D have people here who care"

"Like who?" he asked. Sadness and hopelessness covering his features. The look he had on his face reminded me long ago when I went though the very same thing he is right now.

"Like me" I answered firmly " I'm going to help you beat this J.D. I promise"

**Aha and the plot thickens! We are nearing the end dear readers!**


	23. My new home

**Hey everyone sorry for the long wait. In all honestly I have hit another speed bump concerning this story so just bare with me. Other then my apparent lack of inspiration I have also been dealing with other drama such as my computer being broken as well as a dear friend dieing.**

**R.I.P Bryan A. Delia.**

**Anyway there's my list of excuses please feel free too pick the closest one to your heart and deal with it.**

**I also would like to thank all of you who have reviewed, favorite, or followed this story. So once again thank you all, this story wouldn't be as strong as if is without you all.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Scrubs. If I did Dr. Cox would have his shirt off during the entire show and I would be his wife.**

**(J.D P.O.V)**

It was my first day staying at Cox's house; it was also the first time in 5 hours since I had some coke. I knew eventually the detox would hit me and it would hit me hard, but until then I decided to keep it out of my mind until it was actually in my face begging me to deal with it.

Stepping into the home I was greeted by a grim faced Jordan who had apparently gotten rid of Jack for a few days. Carefully dropping my duffle bag on the floor I walked over to Jordan and embraced her stiffly. "Hey D.J, how you feeling?" she said offering a tight smile.

I tried my best to smile back "Um, fine I guess. For now" I trailed of awkwardly scratching my cheek absently before turning to Dr. Cox who was just arriving in the house. " Um, hey listen you don't need to do this I can jus-" Before I could even finish my sentence Dr. Cox in a Cox like manner did one of his famous whistles ending my end of the conversation with the sharp sound.

" Now you listen here Newbie, you are Nawt going to try and make us feel like we are wasting our time on you. Jordan and I are actually going to be here to help you and I know this may sound weird coming from a hard ass like me but I actually meant it when I said I would help you though this so there is no way in hell you are going to leave now" By this point he had his arms crossing over his chest his body wreaking power and superiority. His piercing eyes challenging me to make a move.

I gulped. "Yeah, sorry. I just don't want to be a trouble is all" I said softly mentally braiding myself at my own stupidity. Dr. Cox sighed. " It's all right there Shirley now I'll show you to your room where you can get dressed or if you want you can take a shower which is down the hall. While you are here you are free to do what you wish except of course take anymore drugs, oh and the alcohol is off limits"

Nodding I bent down to pick up my bag and followed Dr. Cox to my room. After he left I flopped down on the bed staring at the walls I would be calling my own for as long as I would be here and sighed.

_Look what you did J.D_ I mused as I ran my hands in my hair. Sighing once more I laid back upon the bed jacket and all still on and fell asleep.

**( Dr. Cox P.O.V)**

_Poor kid, you'll make it though this J.D I promise_ I thought fiercely as I made my way back to Jordan who had taken refuge on the couch martini in hand. "So now what?" she asked "Now we wait" I answered absently as I went to the bar area to fetch myself some delicious and life saving scotch.

The day worked out pretty well to my favor, I got a leave of absence for myself as well as J.D. Got him to actually come with me without much force and got Jordan alone all in the same day.

After fixing my drink I made my way over to my brilliant ex wife who was looking at me expectantly. "Well?" she said before taking another sip of her drink. "Well" I added before taking a sip of my own. After relishing in the amazing feeling of the burning liquid going down my throat I announced "All we have to do is wait until he hits detox and if he has done it as frequent as I think he has that won't be until either later tonight or tomorrow night, after he detoxes I'll give the kid a few pep talks and he'll be good as new"

I couldn't help but feel triumphant as I drained the last of my cup of scotch but Jordan bless her just always knows when to crash my boat. "That's your big plan? What are you going to do if that doesn't work?

"**It** will, I mean come on the kids going to have way more support then I could have ever dreamed of and I made it though on less then what he had. Admittedly what it took from me was to be flat out broke to the point that I had no choice but to detox; however I think if I just let him talk it out and offer some advice he'll be back to his old self. Or better."

Jordan frowned then snuggled closer to me, putting one arm around her waste as she laid on my chest. "You know I blame myself for what happened to you all the time" she said suddenly, small tears forming in her eyes. Acting on instinct I set my glass and hers down pulling her into my arms while resting my head on hers.

"Now you listen to me you demon, what happened to me was now ones fault but me. Me and only me, you got that? I messed it up between us I fucked up. Don't ever blame your self for that." I said rubbing her arms and shoulders. " Ok Per- Per" she said quietly before giving me a small kiss on the lips. I kissed her back intensely trying to put all the words I could never tell her into the kiss which she gladly accepted before kissing me with her own intensity.

" What do you say we go to bed?" I whisper in her ear, without waiting for a reply I stood up while holding her and carried her to my room. It was going to be a fun night after all.

…..Page Brake…...

**( J.D P.O.V)**

Sweat, Heat, Pain, agony, all these words popped into my head as I thrashed agents the bed which had suddenly become way to soft for my liking. I felt like I was going to be sucked up. Feeling my chest tight up I began to paint until finally unable to hold in the crazy emotions and pain any longer I let out a blood curding scream as I begged God or whoever was listening to end the pain I was in.

**( Dr. Cox P.O.V)**

" AAAHHHHHH!" my eyes snapped open as I heard J.D begging to scream out and cry in pain.

_Here we go…._

**Sorry if it's not the best chapter in the world, I actually quite like it and I know I should have made it longer but it just felt right to stop here. **

**Well until next year… Just kidding. **

**By the By I am very sorry if everyone seems like they are OOC but honestly they are going through allot right now so you should be glad they are not all trying to kill themselves or drug addicts. I promise sooner or later they will get back to their old amazing selves. Just wait. **


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